Do you wake up every morning thinking, "Is Donald Trump dead?" That sounds better to us than "Is Donald Trump Still Alive?" but more likely to get us thrown in the Orange Man's Gulag, given his pathetically thin skin. If you're like us, we want to limit the toxicity spewing from the spigot of sewage that is the USA Today (figuratively—The newspaper is dead, right? No? How can that be?)

So we thought it would be super convenient to have a one-stop-shop for that ultimate top-of-mind question of the day. However, we're no referring to the trauma induced by seeing an I 🩷 My Grandog car sticker. Would you say "grandaughter"? Of course you wouldn't! It's granddog. Alas, this is too emotionally distressing, so instead we're tackling whether the only human to take the serene Taj Mahal and transform it into a tacky, overblown carnival ride—a gaudy, neon-infused mini-golf course where every marble detail is replaced with glittery plastic and flashing lights, opulence is turned on its head, resulting in a twisted funhouse where grandeur meets a cheap theme park gone haywire, complete with oversized mascots and carnival music blaring in the background—is still among the living , or if he's back at the childhood dining table with Big Daddy Fred, who is laughing and pointing at the fetid moppet who just got soup poured on his head by his younger brother.